1
00:00:03,295 --> 00:00:06,255
(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons

2
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(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)

3
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(HORN BELLOWlNG)

4
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(PLAYlNG DlFFERENT TUNE)

5
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(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

6
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D'oh !

7
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(SCREAMlNG)
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)

8
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(GROANS)

9
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(HUMMlNG RING OF FIRE)

10
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(SlNGlNG) Time to wizz
in a foaming bowI
of china

11
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(EXCLAlMS) A line
for the bathroom?
What gives?

12
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l don't know.
But whoever's in there

13
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,618
is taking their
sweet ol' time.

14
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Son, can l have cuts?
No!

15
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Back cuts?
Okay.

16
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Sweet.
Hey!

17
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Wait a minute.
lf we're all out here,
who's in there?

18
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,503
(ALL GASP)

19
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Maggie's locked inside!

20
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Now calm down.
l'll just unlock it
with this coat hanger.

21
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Oh, God ! lt's baby blood !

22
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Don't worry.
l know just what to do.

23
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(GROANlNG)

24
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Bart, you're not
hitting hard enough !

25
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How did you get her out?

26
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:05,792
l tried
the coat hanger again.

27
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l don't understand
why we only try ideas once.

28
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(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

29
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The door? Now l'll
never get to pee.

30
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Dr. Hibbert?
ls someone seriously ill?

31
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,679
Oh, l wish !

32
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(LAUGHS)

33
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,975
No, l'm here because of
Bob Poochioni over there.

34
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,143
(GRUNTS lN CONFUSlON)

35
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Two months ago,
Santa's Little Helper
paid a bootie call

36
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to my purebred poodle,
Rosa Barks.

37
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(CHUCKLES)

38
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And he had his
eyes on her prize.

39
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l'm gonna drop
that analogy now.

40
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ALL: Aw!

41
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:40,743
Well, l'm glad you
think they're cute

42
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,662
because they're
your problem now!

43
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,707
You just lost a box, pal !

44
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,839
Wait. Santa's Little Helper
had puppies before.

45
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,841
And then
we got him neutered.

46
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We did. Homer took him.
Didn't you?

47
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:02,348
Yeah. . . Well. . .
Funny thing about that,

48
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,601
on our way to the cIinic,
I decided to give him

49
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,770
a night his wang
wouId never forget.

50
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:12,233
So let's dance
the last dance

51
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:15,528
Let's dance
the last dance

52
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:22,577
Let's dance
this Iast dance tonight

53
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:28,040
Last dance
Last dance for love

54
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,667
Wanna play some air hockey?

55
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,127
Three hundred and
fifty dollars an hour.

56
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,712
You're on !

57
00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:46,475
l can't neuter you, boy.

58
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,561
Not after all
we've been through.

59
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,354
But from now on,
you better save

60
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,106
your lovin' for
the couch cushions.

61
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(CHUCKLES)

62
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:55,818
(GRUNTS)

63
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:59,572
You broke our deal !
We had an oral contract!

64
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,408
Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

65
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,620
You and Lisa
better go find homes
for these puppies.

66
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,748
And don't just
dump them all off
on some crazy lady.

67
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,082
(SPEAKlNG GlBBERlSH)

68
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,168
(WHlMPERlNG)

69
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:17,715
He's an irritable,
walleyed, misfit, bastard !

70
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Just like Willie.

71
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,096
Hey, mister,
would you like a puppy?

72
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,932
No. But l'll take one!

73
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,016
Okay.

74
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,393
l'm going to cherish
and care for this dog.

75
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,729
And there's nothing
you can do to stop me!

76
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:32,813
(LAUGHS)

77
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,983
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

78
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:42,281
Seen it. . . Bad. . . Boring. . .
Saw it on the plane. . .
Rerun. . . Rerun. . .

79
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:45,952
Telemundo. . . Me. . .
Turned it down. . . ABC. . .

80
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,703
Banned from
the set. . . Lame. . .

81
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,455
Lame. . . Regis. . .

82
00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,123
(GROANS)

83
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,921
Let's see,
champagne or Slim Fast?

84
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,974
Boy, that really
passes the time.

85
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,058
(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)

86
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:12,812
Want a puppy?

87
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:13,938
He's at the peak
of cuteness.

88
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,648
(CHUCKLES)

89
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,235
You could nuzzle me
all night.

90
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,904
That's enough.
l said that's enough !

91
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:28,703
Well, look at this.
You dragged me back
to my old neighborhood !

92
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:30,830
And it hasn't changed a bit.

93
00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:35,418
DSL! DSL! Who will buy
my high-speed connections?

94
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:41,716
Brazilian wax!
Get your velvety smooth,
Brazilian wax!

95
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,760
Hey, the Jewish
Walk of Fame!

96
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,722
Here, go on Sandy Koufax.

97
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,224
l lost ten grand
when he wouldn't pitch
on Yom Kippur!

98
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,435
l did five shows that night!

99
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,937
Okay, boy.
Let's find my star.

100
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:02,403
(WHlMPERlNG)

101
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:07,408
Albert Einstein,
Lorne Michaels?
Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop!

102
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,827
Why ain't l here?
l'm a bigger name than. . .

103
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:13,414
Chaim Potok! What is he?
Some kind of Klingon?

104
00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:15,624
l'm gonna get to
the bottom of this.

105
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,798
Well, of course
you deserve a star, Krusty.

106
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,051
Let me just ask
you a few questions.

107
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,093
Full name?

108
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,179
Herschel Pinchas
Yoracham Krustofski.

109
00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:30,306
Good, good. Circumcision?

110
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,141
And then some!
(CHUCKLES)

111
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,726
Date of Bar Mitzvah?

112
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,521
Well, l, uh. . .
You see, the truth is. . .

113
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:38,981
l never had one.

114
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,566
No Bar Mitzvah?

115
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,736
ln the eyes of God
and the Springfield Jewish
Walk of Fame Committee,

116
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,780
you are not a Jewish man !

117
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:50,076
Now see here!
Do you know how much
l donate to the B'nai B'rith?

118
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,494
Actually, l do.

119
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,496
Goodbye.

120
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,091
Krusty, what's wrong?

121
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,926
l just found out
l'm not Jewish.

122
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:11,180
Oh, l was turned down
by all those country clubs
for nothing !

123
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:12,765
Well, you're still my hero.

124
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,267
So what?
Everything's changed.

125
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:18,104
l thought l was
a self-hating Jew!

126
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:21,398
But it turns out,
l'm just a plain
old anti-Semite!

127
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,693
We have so much to discuss.

128
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,112
(GROANS)

129
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,369
Now l know the reason
my life is so empty.

130
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,038
l never had a Bar Mitzvah.

131
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,623
Cheer up, Krusty.
You're a clue

132
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,208
in the PeopIe magazine
crossword puzzle.

133
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,001
What more can a man want?

134
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,003
Bart, the Bar Mitzvah
is the most

135
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,089
important event
in a Jewish boy's life.

136
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:47,550
lt's when
he reads from the Torah
and becomes a man.

137
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,301
The sweet little
shikse's right.

138
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:52,221
Without a Bar Mitzvah,
l'm just a boy

139
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,765
with a prostate
the size of a goat's head !

140
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:58,769
Krusty, your dad's a rabbi.
How could you not
have had a Bar Mitzvah?

141
00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:02,356
Who knows? l've lived
so hard, there's big gaps
in my memory.

142
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,817
l remember learning
to ride a bike,

143
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,986
then pretty much
nothing till right now.

144
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,404
Why don't we ask your dad?

145
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,990
Yeah, right!
My father will put this

146
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,492
in a spiritual,
philosophical context.

147
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,202
l'll tell you why
you didn't have
a Bar Mitzvah.

148
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,913
lt's because you're a puts.
Everything is a joke to you.

149
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,166
l was afraid
you'd make a mockery
out of the whole ceremony,

150
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,168
like you're making a mockery
out of me right now.

151
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,920
Maybe l am
but you can't argue
with the laughs.

152
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,383
So what?
lt's not my job
to make kids laugh.

153
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,051
Yes, it is.
You're a clown.

154
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,054
Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah,
l'm nothing !

155
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,639
(SOBBlNG)

156
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,351
Krusty, you can still
have your Bar Mitzvah,
as an adult.

157
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,771
That'd be great.
Are you sure that's kosher?

158
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:46,483
There's nothing
in the Talmud
that forbids it.

159
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,776
How do you know
all this stuff?

160
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,361
l have a Jewish
imaginary friend.

161
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:52,031
Her name is Rachel Cohen
and she just
got into Brandeis.

162
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,157
Wonderful !

163
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,166
Hey, hey, kids!
l got a confession to make.

164
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:05,961
Underneath all
this plastic surgery,
l am actually a Jew!

165
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,505
And from now on,
l'm embracing my faith !

166
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,299
(CHEERlNG)

167
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:11,842
What's not to like?

168
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,594
Now l'll teach
you my traditions,

169
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:16,597
the way my people
have passed them
down for centuries,

170
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,432
through animation !

171
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,024
(READlNG BLESSlNG lN HEBREW)

172
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,155
(SCREAMS)

173
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,491
(LAUGHS)

174
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,993
(GROANlNG)

175
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,006
Mouse-l Tov!

176
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:54,593
And that's what
l believe in now!

177
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,053
(LAUGHlNG)

178
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,890
Krusty, that was
a great show!

179
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,226
Once l was clapping
and the applause sign
wasn't even on !

180
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,270
Hey, that's great.
But l got a problem.

181
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,314
This schedule has me
working on Saturdays.
That's the Sabbath !

182
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,108
Well, we could tape
two shows on Friday.

183
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,276
Are you nuts?

184
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,445
l can barely get through
one show on Friday!
Even with the. . .

185
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,530
(lNHALlNG)

186
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,076
You know, smelling flowers?

187
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,121
Such expensive flowers,
filled with remorse.

188
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,290
Anyway, we gotta book
a guest host!

189
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,874
How about Jon Stewart?

190
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:30,296
He's a son,
a lover and a pundit
rolled into one sexy package!

191
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,588
(GROWLS)

192
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,799
He'd be perfect!
So forget it!

193
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:37,094
l need a guest host so bad,
he can never replace me.

194
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,305
l need someone
who's not intelligent.

195
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,015
Not good-looking.
(EXCLAlMS)

196
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,558
And so utterly
repellent, he. . .

197
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,726
l'm your man !

198
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,564
Man, are you unpleasant!
You're in !

199
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,107
(DOOR CLOSES)

200
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:55,988
Children, l wish to
announce that our show
has undergone a reformatting.

201
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,239
(CHEERlNG)

202
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:02,036
Let's get ready
to listen quietly!

203
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:08,459
Now tonight's guest host,
the ultimate placeholder,
Homer Simpson !

204
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,212
Welcome to
The Homer Simpson Show.

205
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,673
l'm your host, next card.

206
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:17,801
Homer Simpson,
it's great to be here in,
next card.

207
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:22,056
Springfield,
my guests are Moe Szyslak,
local businessman,

208
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,266
Carl Carlson, raconteur,

209
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,769
and Lenny Leonard,
three-time juror.

210
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,271
Gentlemen,
what's on your mind?

211
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:38,989
Dad, you have
to say something.
Something meaningful.

212
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:45,496
You ever notice how seats
are too small for normal
looking guys like me?

213
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:49,083
Theaters, airplanes?
Why even here! Look!

214
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,585
(GRUNTlNG)

215
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,546
l could not agree more.

216
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,048
Never go on the teacup ride

217
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:59,927
after eating at
Beauty and the Beast's
Fried Dough Chateau.

218
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:01,136
Hey, I got a question.

219
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:04,556
How come oldies stations
are aIways pIaying
the same song?

220
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,185
How about some
new oIdies, geniuses?

221
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,854
Boy, these guys are
right on the money.

222
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,315
Yeah. My neck is sore
from agreeing so much.

223
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,402
Hey, baby! (MlMlCS KlSSlNG)
You looking for
a good time, huh?

224
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,571
Go home,
turn on your television,
Channel Six.

225
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:20,989
Thanks for the tip!

226
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,491
(BEEPlNG)

227
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,993
Yeah, yeah, twins.
l get it. Now let's watch

228
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,162
something l'm really
interested in.

229
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:30,040
Who has more power?
Miss America or Miss USA?

230
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,793
l think
one's elected and the
other one's appointed.

231
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,253
l think your water
just broke.

232
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,712
Will you be quiet?

233
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,887
Now you can't
mix milk and meat.
You got that?

234
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,348
And on Christmas Day,
you must eat Chinese food,

235
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,559
and pork is
strictly forbidden !

236
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:49,643
Oh-oh !

237
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,855
All these rules! l feel
like l'm in a strip club!

238
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,608
Well, Dad,
what do you want to
talk about tonight?

239
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:57,734
Hmm. . .

240
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,028
Listen, Homer,
l'd like to raise an issue.

241
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,781
Why so formal, Lenny?
You're my go-to guy.

242
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,366
Oh, about that.

243
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,617
You know,
l've been with this show

244
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,119
from the beginning
and l was, uh. . .

245
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,289
l was wondering
if l could get a small cost
of living raise?

246
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,332
lnteresting.

247
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,918
Please welcome new panelist,
Barney Gumble.

248
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,380
That light's a little bright.
You think you can move it?

249
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,801
Please welcome
our newest panelist,
Disco Stu.

250
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,096
Disco Stu knows his place.

251
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,433
My husband's
a power-mad star.

252
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:33,562
Maybe now we can get
that padding that
goes under rugs.

253
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,356
(SPEAKlNG HEBREW)

254
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:42,237
Very good.
You just earned yourself
a Dr. Brown's.

255
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:45,782
Krusty, you know Diane, Stu,
and Jeremy from the network.

256
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,618
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

257
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,369
Krusty, we've got
some bad news.

258
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,038
We think you're
super talented. . .

259
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:53,165
Oh, God !
You're canceling me!

260
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:58,837
Krusty, Krusty,
TV is a fickle business.
You've had a good run.

261
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,964
But Homer Simpson's
a fresh face and. . .

262
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,341
You're not doing
this fast enough !

263
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:03,884
You're fired, too!

264
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,385
l'm. . . No!

265
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,054
(SOBBlNG)

266
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,316
Simpson, l hate
to bother you

267
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,193
when you're eating
but you're always eating.

268
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,195
Will you sign
an autograph for my boy?

269
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,613
My pleasure.

270
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,782
l eat Legos.

271
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,785
So did l, son.
And look where l am today.

272
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,539
Boy, everybody loves my show.

273
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:34,873
lt's great, Dad.

274
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:38,752
You have tremendous power.
And now it's time
to put it to use.

275
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,797
Yes, you're right.

276
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,759
Duck, Mister Lincoln !

277
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,888
Thank you, Homer.

278
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,561
No, Dad. l mean,
you should use
your time on the air

279
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,021
to say things that
really mean something.

280
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,982
Change the world
for the better.

281
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:03,193
l say live fast, die young,
and leave a big fat corpse!

282
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:09,157
Well, l took
Bart's advice last week,
so l guess it's Lisa's turn.

283
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,577
Now if you'll excuse me. . .

284
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,252
You hit him high !
l'll hit him low!

285
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:21,503
(GRUNTlNG)

286
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:22,963
(LAUGHlNG)

287
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,511
Look, since my
own network dumped me,

288
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:33,473
l thought
maybe l could do a show
on (GROWLS) Fox.

289
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,933
l'm sorry, Krusty.

290
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,395
People aren't
interested in stars anymore.
They want reality.

291
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,438
Way ahead of ya.

292
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:43,442
How about a show
where girls think
l'm a millionaire?

293
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,820
But what they don't know
is l'm rife with disease!

294
00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:51,742
Okay, okay. How about one
where l move in
with a poor family

295
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:54,870
and laugh at them?
(LAUGHS) You see be. . .

296
00:15:56,664 --> 00:16:01,126
Okay, how about
you televise my
Bar Mitzvah? Live.

297
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:04,963
Please, you people are known
for taking chances on crap.

298
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,717
You know,
we've had a great time
on this show

299
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,428
riffing on small,
unimportant subjects.

300
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,596
Now wait a minute.

301
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,890
Dirty words you can
spell on your calculator

302
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,142
is a very important subject.

303
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:19,269
"Boobs."

304
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,395
(LAUGHS)

305
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,897
Just like what girls got.

306
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,107
Well, that's all over now.

307
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:27,986
From now on, we will focus
solely on important issues.

308
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,366
Every year, the gulf
between rich and poor
nations gets larger.

309
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:37,079
Yet the lMF insists
on unrealistic debt
repayment schedules.

310
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,667
This show stinks!
l knew my son would blow it!

311
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,460
Where's the remote?

312
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,922
Oh, it might as well
be in China.

313
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,049
MAN: Live from
Springfield Stadium,

314
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:52,052
it's Krusty the Clown's
Wet 'N' Wild Bar Mitzvah!

315
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,012
Shalom, Springfield!

316
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,180
Shalom.

317
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,140
I can't schmear you!

318
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,600
Shalom!

319
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:00,519
(SlNGlNG GlBBERlSH)

320
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,315
Now to get you in
the Bar Mitzvah mood,

321
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:10,112
put your hands together for
the Beach Boys Experience!

322
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:14,658
(SlNGlNG) Mezuzah, menorah
Reading from the Torah

323
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:18,829
Pastrami, knishes,
on two sets of dishes

324
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,791
A church with no steepIe
for God's chosen people

325
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:27,045
Now let's meet
a man who's muscle-bound

326
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,548
and a man who's bound
not to eat mussels,

327
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:32,676
Mr. T and Krusty the Clown!

328
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:36,596
T, l haven't seen you
since we roasted Chevy Chase!

329
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:39,349
Yeah. We were
kind of rough on him.
l feel bad for the guy.

330
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,059
You pitied the fool?

331
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,603
That's one way of putting it.
Time for me to
get into character.

332
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,445
Let's scroll !

333
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,367
Baruch adonai
hamvorach, fool !

334
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:01,955
Why should America
consume 90 % of
the world's resources?

335
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:06,376
Argentina must
devalue her currency
to pay her debts!

336
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:07,627
(SOBBlNG)

337
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,006
You can't leave.
l'm your ride home!

338
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,383
Dad, you blew it.

339
00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:16,928
You listened to Lisa
and then you lost your
stranglehold on the audience.

340
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,555
l'll audience you !

341
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,182
(CHOKlNG)

342
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:24,269
So that's why Bart has
all those broken
tracheal bones.

343
00:18:24,896 --> 00:18:26,438
Tight bow tie, my ass!

344
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,440
Now Iadies and gentIemen,

345
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:32,861
put your hands together
for the world's
Iargest potato pancake!

346
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,197
That's a lot of latke!

347
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,573
(GRUNTlNG)

348
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:40,660
Three, two, one,
and you're canceled !

349
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,288
Strike the set.
You have five minutes
to get off the lot.

350
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,040
Oh. . .

351
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,426
Don't worry. This will be
quick and painless.

352
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:00,347
There we go.

353
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,182
Oh. . .

354
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,310
Homie. You may have
lost your show

355
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,146
but you went out
in the classiest
way possible.

356
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,606
l'm proud of you.

357
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:13,527
Marge, l thank God
every day you settled for me.

358
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,238
Hey, where's my car?

359
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,405
Oh, over there.

360
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:19,991
(SOBBlNG)

361
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,788
Come on, Homie.
We'll go to the
make-your-own-sundae place.

362
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,039
Will you make
my sundae for me?

363
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,207
Yes.

364
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:33,171
Thank you,
cast of The Lion King.

365
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,340
And now for our
grand finale,

366
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:39,094
the superstar
of David, Mr. T!

367
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,139
l pity the shuI that
won't let Krusty in now!

368
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,558
Spin me, clown !

369
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,059
(LAUGHS)

370
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,774
l wish l had
invested my money better.

371
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,027
(LAUGHlNG)

372
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,115
Mmm. . .

373
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:06,329
Krusty, the ratings were good.
Raymond re-run good.

374
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:10,208
Great. But there's one thing
that's still nagging at me.

375
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,544
l want a real
Bar Mitzvah in a temple.

376
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,670
Wonderful.

377
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,216
(SPEAKlNG HEBREW)

378
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,847
l'm hungry.
Are they married yet?

379
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,223
They're not getting married.

380
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:26,600
Then whose garter is this?

381
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,351
l was trying to
hit the dentist.

382
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:32,480
And now, finally, l am a man.

383
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,941
l pity the fool
who didn't bring

384
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,319
an envelope to
this Bar Mitzvah.

385
00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:30,747
English - US - PSDH